I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
