Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize