I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
