nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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