you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
