apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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