Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
