SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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