lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
