Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
