Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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