she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
