I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
