I think my vagina is haunted
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
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