My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
