my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
