I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
This baby is an asshole
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
