I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
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