Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
