god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize