My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize