just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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