I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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