my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
my liver is dry heaving
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
