Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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