theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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