You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
