omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
