i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
