i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
