Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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