You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
