my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I deserve this hangover.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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