I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
