Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i've created a new STD.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize