you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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