I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
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