Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
