I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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