I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I need to sanitize my soul.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize