Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
