Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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