Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
