So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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