She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
