I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
