They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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