I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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