the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
