I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
