I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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