I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
