Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize