Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
