when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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