what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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