Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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