omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
