i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
