So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Randomize
