What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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