I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
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