I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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